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Cookie Clicker: Learn to Love the Grandmapocalypse

PC
Cookie Clicker: Learn to Love the Grandmapocalypse
Cookie Clicker

Procrastination is an art. Thanks to Cookie Clicker, there's now at least one more new and interesting way to avoid your responsibilities.

The joys of wasting time are many; whether it's watching terrible movies on Netflix while you've got an Economics paper due or browsing TV Tropes until you're late for work, putting things off to your detriment is a time-honored tradition for Western civilization. It's the rock that the entire religion of gaming has been built upon, and the newest high priest of procrastination is Cookie Clicker, an "incremeter" game developed by French indie programmer Orteil.

Cookie Clicker: What's The Big Deal?

Click the cookie. You know you want to.The premise is simple: you feel like baking a batch of cookies. Clicking a large chocolate-chip cookie on the left side of your screen bakes one; the more you click, the more cookies you bake. As your total increases, you can purchase upgrades with your banked confections in order to increase your efficiency: you can trade in 15 cookies for a cursor that clicks the giant cookie for you, or you can hire a nice, sweet grandmother to bake a batch on her own, and once you've got a few cursors and grandmothers slaving away for you, your cookie counter will start to increase, which paves the way for bigger and more efficient baking methods.

While at first blush Cookie Clicker seems nothing more than a rather complex Excel spreadsheet, the game is deceptively deep. In addition to increasing your output by purchasing bigger and more efficient ways to bake the little diabetes biscuits, there are additional ways to maximize your productivity. You can upgrade the efficiency of your production facilities, unlocking the potential of your workers to produce more cookies per second (or CPS), and eventually you'll be rolling in the dough.

The Dark Side of Cookie Baking

Cookie Clicker: the GrandmapocalypseBut beware: a dark, otherworldly terror lurks deep in the code of Cookie Clicker. Upgrading the facilities for your troop of grandmas as they bake away in your kitchen can lead to grasping, Lovecraftian madness. Building a research center for your octogenarian culinarians will open up a can of squiggling trans-dimensional worms in the form of the Grandmapocalypse, a Borg-like grandma hive mind that messes with you unless you can appease the hunger of the grandmatriarchs - a hunger not for flesh but cookies. Billions and billions of cookies.

Crawling chaos aside, Cookie Clicker differs from the lion's share of time-wasters in that it actually encourages you to start it up and then come back to it later. Once upgrading your operation takes millions of cookies at a time, you can easily let it run in a minimized browser tab while you go and do something else, like bathing your cats or alphabetizing your sock drawer. Or maybe you should go and finish writing that e-mail to your professor about why you need that extension for your term paper.

Whatever it is that you need to go do, feel free; Cookie Clicker will be there, waiting for you. And so will your sweet little platoon of grandmas.

Oh yes, they will wait.

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About the Author
The Amateur Professional

1830 Points, 21 Comments, and 21 Articles.

Born and raised in Huntington, New York, David M. DeMar has both a Bachelor of Arts in Creative Writing and Master of Arts in English Literature from the State University of New York at New Paltz. A professional editor, copywriter, and fiction author, David lives in New York's Adirondack State Park with his wife, six cats, infant daughter, and the voices in his head. His online blog, The Amateur Professional, is visited by nearly dozens of readers every year, and his fiction can be found through his publisher, Twit Publishing. When David grows up, he hopes to enlist in the military - but only if he's allowed to pilot the giant robot.

2 Comments
  1. DM Agony
    Date: September 6, 2013
    Author: DM Agony

    1760 Points, 28 Comments, and 17 Articles.

    Damn you for showing me this, David!

    DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!

    *clickclickclickclickclickclick*

    [Reply]
    • Date: September 9, 2013

      1830 Points, 21 Comments, and 21 Articles.

      I’m sorry! This game is absolutely the source of my complete lack of productivity over the past couple of weeks.

      [Reply]
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